I seldom start out a column with a plea for help, but today, I simply must.

You see, some of the figures coming out of Washington these days have my head spinning. I just can’t make them add up, and to be blunt, I am getting a little suspicious.

I am talking about our newfound GDP growth. According to the headline I just read from a prominent newswire service, “GDP Up 1.9%.” The author goes on to assure us that this means that there is no recession, and therefore everything is hunky-dory.

No need to worry about stocks. Or the dollar. Or your job. Cool Hand Luke, baby.

Now one look at that headline should reveal a glaring error to even the most casual reader. The U.S. economy certainly did not grow 1.9% in the second quarter of this year.

Rather, if we were to grow at that rate all year, we would post a measly 1.9% annual growth. Hardly much to write home about, eh?

So what are they talking about here? The government is claiming that they have defeated the great recessionary beast because they managed to gin up 0.15% growth per month this spring and summer.

What’s more, according to the official story coming out of Washington, this is supposed to be “a 100% improvement” over the 0.07% per month growth we squeaked out the first quarter.

Wow! Time to get out the magnifying glass!

Oh wait -- Washington already did.

The actual report from the Department of Commerce (a document that might just violate the Geneva accords on tortured writing) claims that “Current-dollar GDP -- the market value of the nation's output of goods and services -- increased 3.0 percent, or $105.7 billion, in the second quarter to a level of $14,256.5 billion.  In the first quarter, current dollar GDP increased 3.5 percent, or $119.6 billion.”

Now here’s where it gets real hard for me.

Washington gave away $168 billion in this spring’s stimulus package, and another three-quarters of a trillion dollars or so in various Fed giveaways, “free” loans, guaranties, etc. Add in the $40 billion from the new mortgage bailout bill, and you are up to $950 billion brand spanking new dollar bills floating around out there.

Something ain’t adding up.

The fact that we are borrowing trillions and trillions of dollars in a fashion that places our national, ummm, “jewels,” in the clammy fists of our greatest competitors and possibly our mortal enemies…

The fact that we running up a record-breaking deficit fighting a two-front war overseas and a three-front war at home, with absolutely no thought as to how our children and their children will ever pay for it…

The fact that we are going to pay through the nose inflation-wise for adding that many dollars to a moribund system that will further depress the value of the dollar, therefore raising prices across the board…

The fact that entrenched unemployment is 25% higher today than it was a year ago, that 3.28 million of your fellow citizens have absolutely no hope of attaining the American dream…

The fact that according to Washington’s own estimates, one-third of all the folks who are getting “bailed” out by the new mortgage bill will still end up losing their houses…

Each of those facts implies a unique horror story all its own, each worthy of a day’s column by and of themselves.

But I am just trying to deal with some simple math here. Sometimes it helps to imagine that the entire economy is simply a giant cash drawer.

We added an extra $950 billion to the drawer this morning. Did a whole bunch of business all day. And now that same drawer is only ahead by $225.3 billion?

Call me simple minded, if you will… Tell me it’s complicated, something only a Harvard PhD can understand. But I swear to you, from where I stand, it sure looks like somebody is robbing the till, because we are missing $724.7 billion.

Someone needs to call the cops.

Or just call the damn thing a recession and be done with it.

Sincerely yours,

Adam

P.S. Here’s a quick update on those WOW banking puts.

For all the recent folderol on Wall Street, what with that wild two-day ride last week et al, as I sit to write, the Met Life puts are down some 30%, the Bank of America puts are par and the Bank of New York Mellon puts are up 69% and rising quickly.

Chart-wise, the whole sector just put in a double top, so I suspect that all three positions will be deep into the black as the Financials slide back down.

Washington simply can’t print its way out of this, friends, so stick it out with those short positions!